QC-L Version 4.0

Yes, welcome to my lair of evil thoughts and incorrect speech where I don't let go and move on and I talk about whatever I please. On a blog no one ever tells you to shut up. If you don't like what I say, just go elsewhere.

This blog now has a new background and a new theme. It is also using a remotely loaded style sheet. That is a first. It is lush, heavy, and uses a background that has a theme I have never used here before, though I have used it for pressies. Let the show go on! It always does anyway. And yes, we are powered by Blogger.

I am putting a temporary illustration here until I have a logo for this design. Watch this space.

temporary illustration


The Backfile: this blog's archives.

Ajayu, home of my story, The Sneezeweed Chronicles. Yes, I do fiction.

It will have Oneiro, my own little role play.

Unfettered Soul, my flagship site.

The Silk Purse, my play pretend Brainstorms.

Failed Messiah Religious news never sounded so good.

New York Times. Read the news and be smart.

Thursday, October 31, 2002

by Eileen Kramer

I didn't do the walking I was supposed to do. The house smells of dirty cat boxes, but I did get in my C time, mainly this morning. I got in a lot of work at work at work too, and with fairly good attitude. I have some good news. Julie, my colleague with the sick sister-in-law, was just out with a migraine and not flying to California. That means she will be around. She even graded some of Erma's students papers. She is a brave one.

I am midi hunting right now, and have found some pretty good tunes but nothing that really screams "me!" I need the midi for my personal personal page. So far C time has been very productive indeed. Tomorrow, it won't be so productive because I have to pay my rent and get cat litter.

I loathe shopping on Halloween. Halloween is such a cheesey pagan holiday. I have pagan friends who celebrate Samhain and for them that's cool. I'm not pagan. I'm Jewish. This is not my holiday. I dread walking through neighborhoods with streets scarred by shaving cream, trees festooned with toilet paper, and houses stained by rotten eggs. Who ever thought that a holiday that celebrates drunkenness and vandalism was a good idea? Not me.

Now in all fairness, if I got invited to a Halloween party, I'd probably go and in costume yet. I don't do a very good job with costumes but I would rig something up all the same. I don't have a party though so I'm left out and can be completely critical of the holiday as only an outsider can be.

And speaking of holidays, my boyfriend thinks he's coming down with his brother for Thanksgiving. I'm going to make cholent and some kind of cranberry dish and I am not sure what else. I hope the boys will be content with what I make. I want to do lots of walking and writing and meditating are important to me. Lou, my boyfriend, asked me how I survive down here. Being creative is the answer. It takes a ton of very beneficial self-absorption.

Well my second course of dinner is starting to heat. I don't want tonight's channeling to be a wash out. I still haven't figured out how to stimulate cbask-l@yahoogroups.com but I want my old group back in the worst way. Other people with my talents and gifts need a place where people won't accuse them of just being out there for attention or desecrating a loved one's memory or insulting those who legitimately grieve, or in the case of prophesy, higher entities and the like, they need a place where people won't call them crazy. And of course the list should be free of hucksters, spamsters, and the like. That is why the list is such a good thing and why it needs to continue. Actually it needs to revive. Ever try to revive a dead list?

I have decided the midi I want needs to be an interesting arrangement with more than just guitar and flute and piano. The piece I am listening to, sounds close. It's a bit too fast and slick, but it's definitely close.

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

by Eileen Kramer

Well, here I am two nights in a row. What can I say. My C time was profitable tonight. Three Ghostletters submissions and this. Way to go!

I didn't write log today though I had good spirit contact runs. Tomorrow is a late day and I can sleep in and meditate at my leisure in bed. We are short staffed at work because Julie is visiting her sick sister-in-law in California. The sister-in-law is dreadfully ill and must have taken a turn for the worse. Julie reminds me of a RAOKster in the flesh. I find her scarey, too affiliative for my tastes. She must find me weird, but then again there is a lot of weird in anybody's life when you start hearing about it.

Most of the weird in any typical office is illness. Learning about your mortality is not such a big deal, but learning about your morbidity comes as a shock when you are a nice healthy twenty-something working in an office and you meet the forty, fifty, and sixty year old sicklicks. They have heart disease. They have diabetes. They have some kind of undiagnosed intestinal problem. They get operated on for tumors. They rarely die, but oh are they sick. You of course are young, healthy, and unscathed. I'm forty and still not a sicklick. Does my healthy diet and walking protect me? Is it just heredity? My mother did not enter the camp of the sicklicks until she was well into her sixties. She may yet return to the healthy for quite a few years. I am not sure how older people fit into this scheme of things anyway.

My new personal personal page (the repitition is intentional) still needs a good midi. I could pick one from what I have, but nothing springs to mind which means I'll need to search for something that just screams "me!" I also need a new counter and I may have found one. Here it is at another site. I still have to find a couple of other counters. Thadea used Dark Counter too.

Well I ought to be up for meditation but it feels hard to switch roles sometimes. I am too tired to write much. Tomorrow morning feels like a blank slate. I'll be having my C time then. Actually with Julie out due to family emergency and my sicklick boss dragging along, who knows when the boom will really fall, but by then hopefully C time will be so much a part of my life, I won't feel it when it does. I know I want to work on this site and also do dedication pages for Ladies' Retreat, Ghostletters, and Future Culture. Why not? I'll write more coherent blog tomorrow.

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

by Eileen Kramer

For the record I have spirit contact with Rose. This is a good thing even if it is a rough thing. I wish it had more of an audience or at least someone who would respond. I feel like I am screaming down a well. It's a funny thing the urge to witness. I'm witnessing in safe secluded locations. With Van this is a necessity. With Gerry and Merib I'm out of the closet. With Block Pusher, I can't use his name. That's the mix and my situation. I wish it were better. I could use a few people asking questions and taking interest. I know this is interesting. Individuals are always interesting.

This is the start of daily C time. C is for creativity. I have spent a lot of creativity through handouts and such at work. Now we are standardizing the handouts. I supposedly get a voice. It's not proportional to the work I put in. She who works should get a choice. It is excedingly galling that those who do not make handouts and webliographies tell others how to do so. This is not a widget factory. This is a library.

What am I to do? Look for work elsewhere, job in hand. It's not a bad prospect in the long haul, but this kind of crap could happen anywhere. I guess creativity in the work place is like community in the work place. It's great when you have it but it's not a given. Now it's a "taken away." There is no point in chasing after either of these things since neither of them is guaranteed.

So what am I to do? The answer is C time. I've got my own printer, my own computer, and plenty of paid web space. I start working smarter and am out of the building by 6pm. I can work on my own web pages, my blog, my stories. I can print up anything I choose in any font I choose and have it xeroxed for publication and distribution. Where do I give it out, the laundromat, the doctor's office, etc.... This is what I might be doing at work, but instead I'll be doing it on my own time in my own way.

If I get really serious about my C time, I'll have to cut back on my email but I'm more important than passively grazing email lists. C time means I'll be blogging a lot more. It also means that my web pages will be updated. What I can't do at work, will get done at home. My work will support my home life. Some people say this is a healthier balance after all. Some live for the weekend, I will be living for my C time.

Wednesday, October 23, 2002

by Eileen Kramer

Well nine days without blogging is not too bad. I lost a friend of a friend of a sort. I had corresponded with her a few times and even sent a snail mail card to her hospital in Nova Scotia, Canada which is pretty much in the middle of nowhere. Well Rose has died. What can I say. We do not frequent the same lists nor have the same outlook on life. Yeah, this reminds me of my mother though I think Rose was younger. I don't feel like writing about Rose on Ladies' Retreat. I sent Rose' brother an electronic sympathy card.

Rose' death has made me think about my spiritualism and my channeling. I realize I don't really have a good spiritual group. My list has gone from dormant to positively moribund, and this community where I sometimes hang out is wide open and fun but at times what they do feels contrived. Then there is Allpathways where I have a paid membership. Mostly they argue about religion and politics.

So what do I do? I tell myself this is not 1995 or 1996 any more. I still have the urge to share but not the need to spew. Besides talking shop is different from engaging and opening up others. I can't teach but I might be able to instigate. It's worth a go since what is out there seems so very barren.

Anyway this is for Rose

Without the Crap

I can think of you without regret.
I can think of you as you are now.
I know, you liked cats and plants,
Preferred country to city and were quite ill.
Except for the illness which is one downright scarey proposition
Not much has changed and everything has changed.

I know the surprises that await
Or can at least guess their beginnings.
I see a brick wall but done in fine design
And the sand and the nervous male spirit who awaits
At least a long conversation.

I'm glad I got to know you
Just a little bit.
I'm glad I could separate you from the space
Where I clearly did not belong.

I wish I could design a page for you
In brilliant colors with a guestbook where all and sundry
Could properly pay their respects.
But then again, part of the reason I walked away
Actually I was thrown out
Was that you and your friends did not want those things
When I build those things for others though,
I will think of you,
Though my debts to you are fairly well paid off.
Keep your privacy.
Forget this testament.
We won't be writing much any more.

Eileen H. Kramer 10/23/02

Well that's it for now. I feel better. I had better get lunch together. I have a class at 4:30pm. We who are about to die salute you.

Monday, October 14, 2002

by Eileen Kramer

Well I fell off the blogging wagon again. Part of it has to do with a kind of weird law of unintended consequences. I do hardly any Gav and Peloso's these days either on the reference desk or elsewhere. I have my book to read on the desk so I don't have to go looking hither and yon for magazines. I also have my do list which has restored some discipline to long stretches back here in the office. Trust me, there is nothing like a hole you can crawl into and this windowless dungeon of an office is my hole.

Anyway, being that it was fall break and despite the do-list and the fact that I am accomplishing stuff, I still had time on my hands and for some reason Ghostletters just took off. Well I've been writing fiction instead of fact so I haven't been here. It's my own voice back.

I stopped all of Thadea's site fighting reminder lists today. That was a wonderful feeling. Her box will stay a lot cleaner. Her counter has gone the way of all flesh as has mine. Dark Counter is down, and probably down permanently. I need to find a new counter and probably a new counter for this blog as well. I know that there will be none quite as spiffy as a Dark Counter. ZOID has an inhouse counter. That is good, but it won't work for my website or for Thadea's. The loss of the counter is like the end of an era.

I did a lot of walking and shopping this weekend. I went and got the pencils for ZOID from the Fed Ex place which was in the middle of nowhere, and I also went to Country Life to buy assorted vegetarian delicacies unavailable elswhere. I am stiff and sore from my "weekend warrior" exploits. I also ordered some herring from German Deli.com and some cards from Unicief. This means I have packages in the mail or via UPS to look forward to. This should be fun, but it isn't always easy since they usually deliver during the day when I'm not home. I usually end up making a trek like I did to get the pencils.

I'm going to do more walking. Eventually I will have leg muscles like iron. I feel especially proud of myself for resisting a Thelma's Frozen Lemonade. I have herbal tea for both home and work but forgot to bring the work box in. There is enough tea for today though so it is not a big loss. I am debating about joining the Y. There is an apartment complex now near the center with the pool so the road there doesn't feel as lonely. I'll have to wait and see. I need to tear myself away from this net and walking seems easier.

Saturday, October 05, 2002

by Eileen Kramer

OK, I'm keeping up the blog patter. Yesterday I told my shrink "I have too much energy going into negative places." Well, I am one for euphemism. I've been playing a game at work called defy my supervisor behind my back. I write Gav and Peloso episodes when I'm on the desk, it's dead, and she's not around. She hates it if she catches me so I am thumbing my nose at her. I have good reason to do this. I redesigned the Information Services Web Page. I let her know via email. I got a place where we could do our own uploads and then the whole thing has just sat there. My supervisor doesn't weed. She hates it. She doesn't do webliographies. I do both of these. We have different work interests and she doesn't really care about mine. The boss is even worse but that is another story.

I feel screwed. I feel deprived of positive attention, so like the little kid, I'm willing to try for attention negatively and to go the spiting route. I'm also doing way too much sidework in my office. I want to be caught. I don't really want the consequences of being caught, but I want to be caught.

And yes I know how stupid this is. I know being caught would suck, so I have to stop. Why do I always realize this crap on a Saturday afternoon? Behaving well at work with no immediate rewards is easy when you don't have to go to work until Monday.

So what do I do? The first solution is obvious. I don't think the problem is fixable since it has been dribbling along for about four years. It could be internally fixable in several ways:

  1. More time on the reference desk and more reference desk questions. If the customers appreciate what you do, who cares what colleagues think.

  2. A greater share of general BI's. If BI's give status, I'll be happy to teach them. Teachers and students both appreciate the personal attention and class visit.

The first is unlikely to happen. The second is possible but I wouldn't hold my breath. So what can I do? The answer is obvious. I need to revise my resume and start looking for another job. I need to be appreciated for what I do, and if my current job places a premium on schmoozing and politics rather than librarianship, that is all the more reason to move on. Working on my Resume, means I'm going to need a current version of Word for this machine. I have an older version on the machine now. The resume I have is only ten months old. That is good news. I also need to lose more weight so I can wear my interview suit again.

Job hunting is long range. It probably won't really get going until the beginning of the year and since I am going to be picky this time around, it's going to be a slow process. I have plenty of time to fuck around until I start seeing some of my irons in the fire heat up.

I also need a short term solution. This is the hard one. Cleaning up an act when you haven't been caught and may not be for a while is very hard. There is no immediate reward for being good and being bad just plain is more enjoyable. Most of my spite activities are intrinsically interesting. I need something at the desk that is going to keep me from doing Gav and Peloso. Novel reading is legal though my supervisor can get picky about that if one doens't pick up one's head fast enough. I work the room and so does John and we both gave her a piece of our mind about micromanagement. This is a nice nonpolitical supervisor too. She doesn't deserve to be a target of my spite games. The solution of course is to get a book to take to the desk. I don't even know what I want to read but I'm going to look for something by Oliver Sacks or Herbert Klawans. It will be interesting and look fairly job related. I'm not sure drawing on the desk is legal, but I may bring my charcoal and sketch diary with me as well.

As for the crap in the office. Revitalizing my corkboard and keeping a current do-list will help. I'll even find the corkboard a new background and I'll set it up to load when I log in. Since I work better when I have deadlines, a do list that pops up whenever my screen gets tired is a good idea. Deadlines are a sign somebody cares that your work gets done.

I am also going to talk with my colleagues on Monday about having our first Survey Committee meeting. I have just been plain letting this distasteful work go. No one seems to notice as usual but I do. I have a simple idea for getting my lazy assed committee members to revise the survey and implementation. It is going to be as suckie as last time's survey and my name is attached to it. It defames my name.

I am also going to talk with Roberta about writing an article on CSA Indexes for, Simon Says, the library newsletter. I've got to do this and I'm usually good about it. There just weren't any interesting topics in Roberta's email.

OK, the new leaf is turned over, so on to another topic: families and autonomy. I was raised by a very sincere mother who valued individualism and autonomy. A lot of times she was fighting to get more autonomy and finally got it late in life. She believes in autonomy particularly with regard to religion. Rochelle who has umpteen grandkids and kids and roots all over the place and who offers me rides home and who is motherly, values community and family much more. She is similar to what a lot of other people believe.

I would like to learn more about traditional family and how it operates. This unfortunately is not as easy as learning a new religion. I was raised by an atheist father and an agnostic mother. I did get to read the Bible and was told "at eighteen you can..." Of course the plan with that was that by the time you were eighteen you would have the prejudices and practices of family ingrained enough that you wouldn't. I of course was the exception to this rule. I experimented with Christianity and finally some orthodox friends at Young Israel taught me how to find my way into a siddur.

Most religions will educate and take an adult who has not received a religious upbringing into the fold. Heck, one can even convert.

Learning family values is a different matter. These are taught in families and not to outsiders. This is a shame because I didn't get a chance to choose the values with which I was raised. I like some of the values that I was raised with. I believe that young kids should develop more than their brains. Children are people deserving of choice. I also like my mother's emphasis on personal belief over community membership in areas of religion. My mother believes that it is fine to participate if one believes. If one does NOT believe, then participation makes a mockery out of the religion and is disrespectful to those who genuinely believe and participate.

Neither my father nor Rochelle agree with this. Rochelle asked if my mother would work on Yom Kippur. I told her that she probably would. My father might stay home because it was expected but I doubt my mother would. My mother would say that going through the motions when one does not believe is wrong and that if there were people who needed her at the office, it certainly would be wrong to take off a day on false pretense.

Rochelle asked if my mother was aware how that made Jews look. I told her that my mother felt going through the motions when one did not believe defamed the religion. Rochelle replied: "but people will say 'Jews are strange. There's some who work and some who don't.'" I said fine, my mother's an agnostic and besides that the world is full of backslidden Christians and exCatholics. Why should a nonbelieving Jew surprise anybody.

Rochelle showed me a side of affiliative values I don't like. By the way most of what I have seen with affiliative values works like this. Each person in a family gives up some of their autonomy but in general one respects boundaries. In return family members, even adult family members, support one another. My father whose values are more affiliative than my mother's highly individualistic ones, is a control freak who violates boundaries. He can not teach good affiliative values because he violates part of the bargain.

I have seen the bargain at work among people I date. I had a boyfriend named Joe who had an apartment in the basement of his mother's house. His mother who was old did not have to live alone and Joe had cheap rent. Joe's mother DID NOT worry about him staying out all night. Joe could come and go as he pleased. This is an example of rspecting boundaries but giving up some autonomy.

I know there are also parents who come and help clean their children's apartments. I hope they do it without a lot of complaining or insults. The kid gives up some autonomy but gets a clean apartment. The two socialize and they stay supportive. Parents who babysit for grandkids are another example. I wish I knew how these trades get made. I know the autonomy game should not have to be all or nothing. I just don't know how to play it any other way. I wish someobody would teach me step by step.

The only way I'm going to be able to get this knowledge is to become friends with traditional women. I'm not sure I can count Rochelle as my friend. I'm a 40 year old who has not reproduced and she speaks shamefully of her nefews who have not sprogged. One of her children took up the slack and named the latest grandbaby after the nefews' father. The nefews aren't fulfilling their family responsibilities. Does adopting more traditional values mean that I am a second class citizen as a childfree forty year old? Would I instead have the role of maiden aunt? I watch Josh who plays the role of bachelor uncle within his more traditional family. Would I become care taker for the old? Would I have some choice about my role? God it is weird to be on the outside peeking in.

Anyway, another way to become friendly with traditional females is throgh a new group I joined called Ladies' Retreat. A lot of traditional females also scrapbook. I know nothing about scrapbooking but I enjoy drawing and web graphics and other similar pursuits. This might be a craft for me. It might be an entree into traditional female society. I know zip about scrapbooking, but it is time to do some research.

That's about it for now. I have a long day ahead of me and it is nearly 2pm. Thanks for listening or reading or whatever.

Here is today's do-list

  1. Go over to work and try to get Uncle Tungsten or something else recent by Oliver Sacks.

  2. If this is unavailable, you may want to go to the public library and look for it there. You also need a book on scrapbooking or some web research in that area.

  3. Get a bag of kitty litter. I am short. The cats have a partially filled working box so they're good for a few hours but not more than that.

Thursday, October 03, 2002

by Eileen Kramer

OK, I've been reading over my posts and I realize how negative I sound. Well I feel that way. I don't want to do anything drastic to myself. I don't feel the world is an overall rotten place or I'm a rotten person. I just feel down and sick. It's the sick part that is driving me nuts. My intestines hurt all the time and their crampy and bloated. It's irritable bowel but it is psychogenic. I also took two naproxen for a raging headache. The meds are kicking in.

OK, so it's time to stop the down crap, NOW! How does one do that? I can count my blessings. Let's see if I can name ten positive things in my life. I don't think I can but maybe I can get three to five of them. Here goes:

  1. I have two great cats, Georgia and Hertzel. They don't deserve an owner like me but they love me anyway.

  2. Yesterday I was looking over links to abortion sites. Abortion is part of the medical side of women's health and since most traditional women's health sites are fertility oriented, the abortion sites need to be in there to provide a full spectrum. I also looked at anti-psychiatry sites a few days before that. I have academic freedom and can put these sites into webliographies without getting any one's approval. Yay! Big plus. That ought to be worth double.

  3. I have academic freedom. I can tell my students that there is a four year hole in the book collection. We have money for bricks and mortar but no books. I can say that. That is academic freedom hard at work.

  4. There is over a hundred dollars in cash in my wallet. I feel rich.

  5. The squash tea from the hubbard squash tasted delicious. Green hubbards are very good.

  6. I like alt.support.childfree better than the labor of love. I think there is way too much drama at the Labor of Love. This is good news because I don't have to fake anything at alt.support.childfree.

  7. There are still plenty of clean shirts left in the shirt drawer.

  8. I've voted every day this week.

  9. I've taken exercise after work every day this week. The walking is modest but it is sure better than sitting on my butt.

  10. Julie was social to me and confided stuff to me today. It is a good thing I don't have any intention of blackmailing her, not that I would. I feel honored with the trust.

Well, I got through ten of them. I wonder if I can come up with ten more tomorrow night. That would be pushing it. Well what can I say. Class was a bust. The students sat there like sleepy stones. I even caught a couple of them playing solitare. Julie says it's the fall break sleepies. I hope she is right. Poor Julie. She hsa to do a presentation on "information literacy" the latest BI buzzword on Monday.

The book sale is over. Darlene left out the books to be picked over since we want to get rid of them. What is left is such utter crap. I went and found a magazine. I read a good article about terraced fields and irrigation in a highland village in Peru. I read another good one about a scientist who gets bitten by nasty bala ants in Costa Rica. Natural History is a cool magazine.

No I have not revised my personal page even though I now have the graphics for it. That is a start. Well I need to get some sleep if I'm to get any meditating done tonight. I am on desk first thing in the morning, and my lunch for tomorrow is packed. The menu is almond butter sandwich and figlets.

Wednesday, October 02, 2002

by Eileen Kramer

Well I'm slipping again as a blogger, but I am writing for Ghostletters again. This is the fiction list I picked up so the characters that got me thrown off of Cybermind didn't die. They spawned successors and now evil invaders from the future are trying to take over the earth. Well, not really. It's very very hard to be an evil invader from 15,000 years in the future. You are still human but so were people 15,000 years ago. Now imagine us along side them and you'll get the idea of why an invasion and take over are so difficult unless one resorts to strong-arm tactics.

I don't want to write about work except it is slow and I hate when work is slow. I drag things out to take up space. Thank God I teach tomorrow. Julie gets to watch me again. She is good sometimes. She wasn't there for the last class because she was either moving in or had a house closing. She and her hubby built a house in a snazzy new development. He is retired military. How do you spell b-u-c-k-s?

I don't complain but I know it when I see it. I also got put on the book sale table for one unbareable hour this afternoon. It was boring. People pawed through piles of old junk. Don't they realize this shit will just be gathering dust at home? I got rid of a ton of stuff when I moved down to Georgia.

I am so addicted to the internet that I feel awkward away from the box when not eating, sleeping, teaching, or working the desk, or running an errand. I make myself take walks at twilight. Visions of pampas grass dance through my head. Pampas grass is strikingly beautiful, and it doesn't grow up north. It is a Georgia thing. There are also some gorgeous Jerusalem artichokes that are planted in a yard where there are two vicious nasty golden retrieers. I walk and feel like a fish out of water or an alien on a strange planet. I come home and want to hybernate. My stomach hurts a lot. I think it's the crap I ate last week. It takes a whole week sometimes for intestines to settle down.

I'm a bit sick of feeling bloated. A student dropped my class today. I need to look at my spreadsheet and my roster and figure out who is where. I tell myself I'll go up to Atlanta this weekend and hit the DeKalb Farmer's Market. I also tell myself I'll order more herring though I don't eat much fish any more. I order the herring over the internet. The apartment is half clean. I got a guilty conscience about not using my Oreck vacuum cleaner last weekend so I vacuumed the place.

It is very quiet in here now. I don't know where my cats are. Usually they are bothering me or seeking affection. Hertzel snuggled up to me in bed. He purred and purred. Tonight Georgia will sleep by my head. I don't have to be at work until 1am. Do you believe I get excited about sleeping? Oh well...maybe things will look better in the morning.