Tuesday, May 27, 2003
by Eileen Kramer
Well the food turned out tasting and looking good. It is nearly gone now. Whole Foods' own brand of butternut squash soup
tastes delicious. I have to remind myself to write down my recipe for wheatberry edamamme salad. I just ate a pear and washed my hair. Lou, my boyfriend, really thinks he'll leave in the morning.
I am also getting something other than make work done at work. I'm a bit frustrated with campaigning, but I managed to score
ZOID in less than twenty minutes tonight so the thing has its ups and downs.
If Lou does not show, I'll go to Atlanta on Saturday which is also my forty-first birthday and this time I'll come home with produce. Of course if I hear that Lou is in transit, I'll clean this apartment. I'll borrow a vacuum cleaner if I have to and I'll get
Lou's bathroom clean. Lou's bathroom is also the kitty bathroom. I at least owe Lou clean litter pans and the cat vomit off of the carpet. The rest, we'll just have to wing. I would like the kitchen to be clean too and the bed sheets which are stinking again. I have a feeling I may be up half the night cleaning the place. Why me?
Lou wants to go to Las Cruces, New Mexico to visit his friend and mine, Rodney. I think this would be great. I looked
at Greyhound bus schedules tonight. I could not tell if there is public transit
to the suburb of Las Cruces where Rodney lives. I may have to make a phone call. I can get the number from the net.
I know I'll be fighting for time for myself when Lou is here. Lou is very needy. Well I am needy too. I am going to take it
one day at a time, one incident at a time, and one task at a time. That should keep me mellow. That will also help me get things done.
Saturday, May 24, 2003
by Eileen Kramer
I planned to leave over an hour ago, but got caught up doing graphics. Graphics are one of the few things that soothe me. This apartment is a wreack. The vacuum cleaner is broken and getting it to be fixed is difficult. I had planned to haul it out there when the boyfriend came down this weekend which of course he didn't. The carpets in this apartment are brown and Hertzel's coat is white. You can guess what this place looks like.
I'm even disgusted with my food. I have to cook tomorrow and I have this irrational fear it will end up looking and tasting like shit. I have the ingredients in the house and I even have something good for a side dish. I regret all the produce I did not buy in Atlanta this weekend.
I keep telling myself that if I go outside, I'll enjoy myself. I'll get to see more of the demolition on the Cubb supermarket that was the Food Max. We've had a retail contraction in Columbus. I'll also get to visit Big Lots, if they are still in business. You can tell what sort of mood I am in.
Right now all I'm waiting on is the Hebrew letters I want so I can redo Orelle's web site. Soon my entire alter ego's family will be in good quality private server space. Yay! What I plan to do then I don't know. I'm realizing how self destructive campaigning is. Go figure on all this. Maybe what I need to do is wash my hair.
Thursday, May 08, 2003
by Eileen Kramer
Inside there is a lone, raw, hungry, needy me. I see her when I wear the mask of another idenity. Behind my own identity,
she behaves, but with the mask on she is free to do whatever she can to buy her attention one exchanged vote at a time. She uses all her creative energy towards this end and feels profoundly useful. She is casting 90+ votes per day. I'll get to put her mask on one more time before I walk down streets at twilight very much naked, though wearing clothes.
It will be just me then. I'm scaird of my own thoughts. They are bubbling up dark and ugly something they don't do
when I wear the mask. I know some of this is the caffeine talking. I get paranoid about my own head and with good reason. My head is just not a particularly pleasant place, and I don't feel I have a lot of resources to deal with it right now. Caffeine wipes out all the good effects of the meds. And yes, I know these are just thoughts but they make poor companions. They make good enemies. They are my thoughts, but insight and a dollar fifty gets you on the subway.
Normally I like going for walks, but I dread this kitty litter and panty hose run tonight. I've come to the end of what I can do for one evening and so now it's just me and me alone and my sad head with its dark thoughts inside it. This just plain hurts.
Yeah, and Lou is delayed. His brother had dental surgery this morning and the brother couldn't take a cab home and
Lou couldn't leave. I wonder what his excuse will be tomorrow. I suppose a phone call to Lou would be a good place to start dealing with the black thoughts.
OK, now on to my brother. He called last night and sounds so conservative and middle aged. He's also a braggart and a bully. I am so glad he lives out in Denver so I pretty much owe him nothing. If he gets married he says he'll invite me to the wedding. I think I'll send a gift and not show. "We're not close" is how this one is said. It happens a lot Everyone knew abuse happened but you got out if you had any brains.
Harvey is psychologically abusive. You don't play games with abusive people. You leave them. You avoid them. It's that simple. You find other people outside your family to give you what you need. Besides family that is very distant geographically is not exactly supportive.
Put another way, there is nothing virtuous in suffering a boor on the phone. I don't need the put downs and the crap. Relationships even family relationships happen only if there is something beneficial to both parties in the long haul. Very young children are the EXCEPTION and only because a lot of hormones kick in and this works mainly for healthy and attractive young children. But once we are dealing with adults, there is a social contract and the relationship has to be mutually beneficial. Getting on the phone and bragging and putting down your sister, is not a way to bring an olive branch. I wonder if he is that clueless in the rest of his life.
I have no idea and I feel every bit as ugly writing this blog as when I started so it must be the caffeine talking. Black thoughts all around. OK, I'm going to slip the mask on one more time.I need to reinvigorate the job hunt again too. I ought to check my board at LOTH before I leave too.