Difficult Discourse

Introduction

This essay deals with discussion topics that have caused trouble in the past at RAOK either due to their high level of controversy or to their inherent ability to cause harm to the group. Some of these topics are permitted but regulated. Others are simply off limits for fairly obvious reasons.

RAOK currently has few punitive resources at its disposal. Prevention, suasion, and the structure of both the Facebook and the wiki are our main defenses and control mechanisms.

Fraud

No matter the reason behind it, fraud is intrinsically bad. Fraud is the enemy of kindness. It’s presence means that the fabric of reality is not whole. Things are not what they seem. It therefore weakens the bonds of trust. This weakening makes doing acts of kindness more difficult.

For that reason, please don’t commit fraud. First, there is no reason to do it. RAOK accepts individuals of any age, sex, marital status, religious, or ethnic group. You don’t have to fake anything to fit in.

Second, you are free NOT to disclose any information about yourself that you choose to hide. Nondisclosure is simply biting your tongue. It is not fraud. Truth and/or silence are your best bets at RAOK.

There are three ways, fraud can rear its ugly head at RAOK.

Fraud along with a violation of rules – A member misrepresenting themselves to scam for money, goods, or web site competition votes fits this description. In this case, RAOK will deal with the fraudster by addressing the guidelines violation first and foremost.

A direct confession of fraud by the guilty party – This happen occasionally. In this case, RAOK which is a kind organization, is going to forgive the party. Moreover, if the fraud occurs outside RAOK jurisdiction, it is none of RAOK’s business.

Simple confabulation -- Confabulation often occurs person changes details about themselves to either gain attention or access or to make themselves more acceptable and often gain a slight lift in social status. One unmasks confabulation when a member's story becomes inconsistent with either outside reality or with itself. For example a man confesses to both recent military service and service in Vietnam. You know that if he served in Vietnam, he is too old to have served recently. You therefore now know that he is lying.

Since RAOK has no other recourse than to deal with the fraud itself in cases of confabulation, the member who discovers the fraud may take the following action: She may post a message explaining that she has discovered that a member is lying and state her reasons why she believes this to be so. Then she is done. If she is uncomfortable doing this on her own, she may bring her concerns to any member of the oligarchy who if they believe them valid, will post the exposing message.

RAOK will only expose the fraud. The organization will exact NO FURTHER PENALTY. Members are free to privately and quietlyunfriend the fraud or quietly and privately avoid her. '

Punishing fraud is an after the fact solution and does not erase the harm the fraud caused. Since most fraud slips under the radar, I don’t believe punishment deters fraud. It therefore serves no useful purpose. Exposure, on the other hand, gets the word of the fraud out into RAOK itself instead of having it spread underground or as gossip. It also keeps RAOK from aiding and abetting the fraud.

RAOK is better off handling fraud by preventing it in the first place. Since soliciting money, goods, or votes in competitions is absolutely FORBIDDEN at RAOK, this means doing so fraudulently is also forbidden. As for confabulators, RAOK accepts everybody and making sure RAOK does this in fact as well as simply stating it should help keep people from feeling they have to create a false identity.

Canned Uplift

It has several names: glurge, canned uplift, inspirational stories etc… We all know the tale of the busy shopper who bought redemption by purchasing a white rose and a doll for a five year old girl who buried her mother or the tale of the boy who bought a miracle for a nickel in the drug store. Stories like these are easy to post since you don’t have to write them. They even tell the reader how he/she should feel at the end. That is usually the dead giveaway they belong to this controversial genre.

I realize that glurge is popular, but it is problematic. First, it is so easy to post, that it can easily drown out other postings, especially in an environment where users have a hard time finding their real voice for speaking in public among strangers.

Second, canned uplift creates the impression that stories, even one’s own, must have a correct ending and an element of public service. Real support requests are messy and don’t have correct endings or they end with kind messages from other members.

Still, people like glurge. Posting inspirational stories is not intrinsically unkind. RAOK should therefore deal with canned uplift by asking users to contain it. Please DO NOT post it on the wall at the Facebook group site or on the main page of the wiki when we get one. Use the discussion board and appropriate pages at the wiki. Create a new topic/page or use an existing topic set aside for such stories and deposit it where those who are interested can find it and those who are uncomfortable with it can avoid it.

Drama

Drama is discourse designed to psychologically inflame fellow members engage in conflict. A humorous example of drama is this ethnic joke:

How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb? "It's OK. Don’t change the bulb," the Jewish mother replies. "I’ll sit in the dark."

In this joke, the Jewish mother is a classic drama queen. She doesn’t really want to sit in the dark, so she tries to use guilt to get someone else to put in the bulb for her.

Drama is a way that someone picking a fight rallies others to the cause often by sounding pitiful and hurt in a very public way. Classic drama tactics include but are not limited to:

Publicly announcing you’re leaving the group.
Publicly announcing you are going to unfriend a member.
Publicly announcing a recent post has made you ill.
Publicly announcing that a recent post has made you suicidal.
Publicly announcing a recent post has made someone else ill or suicidal.

The original guidelines and the new guidelines address drama. Basically a good rule of thumb is that if you are free to engage in a particular behavior, then just do it and don’t announce it. You are free not to read posts, to decrease your participation, unfriend any member you choose, avoid whole areas of the wiki. You DO NOT have to announce these actions to the whole world. In fact, many private actions which are perfectly fine when you just do them turn into rather ugly insults when publicly announced. Bite your tongue.

As for the folks with migraines, upset stomachs, suicidal urges, visit the medicine cabinet or competent mental health practitioner and stop visiting the areas of RAOK that bother you. You are responsible for your own physical and mental health.

Moreover, if you state an intention to end your own life, any member can try and track down the authorities in your real life jurisdiction. Truth in the service of preventing actual harm always trumps kindness.

Religion at RAOK

Despite what the original guidelines say, RAOK has historically permitted religion within its property. Prayer requests and praise reports have been routine. Less common have been people discussing events at their houses of worship and volunteering at religious institutions or people celebrating religious holidays. Testimony is rare at RAOK though probably permissible. A good strategy is to contain religious testimony away from the wall atFacebook and keep it off the wiki's main page.

What RAOK has always prohibited is proselytizing. Proselytizing is trying to recruit other members to a particular faith or sect. Often members do this with insults. Telling another member they are going to burn in Hell is a rank insult and a violation of the guidelines. I hope you can see this.

The new guidelines will be updated to reflect RAOK’s historical reality.

Politics at RAOK