A perfect sea urchin

My Evil Thoughts

Welcome to where I air my evil views, proud, uncowed, unbowed, and absolutely evil, superficial, and ignorant. Get used to it. To return to the main blog page, just click here.

Waiting for Cold and Rain

Right now I wish I was at the vanishing point of the Candler Park MARTA station looking west toward Atlanta. I'd see the skyline and be able to pick out Decatur Avenue. A few of the trees started to turn weeks ago and then stopped. The reason they turned was that the weather here is dry. It was a warm morning the last time I stood at the vanishing point. I got to watch the west bound MARTA train head toward Inman Park and on into the city, and a freight train with two locomotives and stacks of shipping containers that convert into short haul trailers for tractor trailer trucks. There were no more box cars. Maybe they have them in other parts of the country. Box cars make me think of my late grandfather who rode the rails as a young man.

The sun was out on Wednesday. It was out though not high in the sky this morning. The clouds were still salmon pink. You know what they say about red sky in morning. In this case, I had been listening too much to the weather forecast. They are predicting cold. The first cold of fall is especially raw and nasty, but it wasn't cold this morning. I walked to the train without my ear buds. Yes, I am conserving bandwidth, but I have music files on my Droid itself. I just did not need music.

The pansies in front of the dental arts building are well established. I miss the lantana that was dug out while still doing pretty well, but hey that's what happens with industrial landscaping companies. The pansies will be there all winter through the snow, but I like them now. I also like flowering cabbage though it will take a frost to make it really bloom.

I was sad to go into the train station. I noticed how dirty it was. I had a long wait on the platform which wasn't as bad as it sounds because I got to read Noon Wine by Carol Ann Porter.

The walk across the parking lots this morning wasn't even bad. There is lots of pine straw everywhere covering the clay, mud, and fire ants. Pavement is always a safer bet for walking in the South. I was listening to Judaica from Mostly Music on my Droid. It was a good change.

Now outside my window, I can see the cold front. The clouds are the color of blue smoke. They are high and form a uniform thick blanket, not a huge nimbus that makes storms. The front will move in slowly. Some time today it will rain. We always need rain, but cold, miserable rain is....cold and miserable. I'm glad I was out when I was out. I'm never ready for cold and rain.

Eileen H. Kramer -- October 28, 2011

Why the Silence

I am not in trouble. I feel pretty good some of the time. Still a lot of what is happening in my life is not bloggable. This happens from time to time. This is a public blog which makes it subject to the worst kind of self-censorship.

Meanwhile, I am squarely on the ship of misery. The scuppers have been the place of amazing drama. Last week I had a UTI. It was my first UTI. It did not hurt. I did not have fever. The Advice Nurs at Kaiser laughed with me over the phone. I still hear her laughter.

She also managed to scare the shit out of me. Yes, I'm cussing onthis blog. She described all sorts of horrible symptoms that come with bladder and kidney infections. Now every time my stomach is upset or my back is sore, I think the worst. I'm not usually like this. When I got home from the doctor's nine days ago, I slept for three hours like a cat coming home from the vet.

To make matters worse, and they are worse, I got back a whole battery of tests on the web from Kaiser. My BUN is low due to the diet. They say anorexics have a low BUN and they diet. I'm not eating a lot of protein as part of my diet. I've lost about nine pounds in nine weeks. Meanwhile, my creatine is normal. This makes my BUN/creatine figure lower than it should be. My lab tests are always wonky, but I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. It hasn't dropped yet. I'm still waiting for it.

This is enough to make a hypochondriac out of anybody, and I hate being one. I guess this gets better eventually. I wish it would get better now.

To make matters yet worse, my friend in Israel called me. He was my friend. I miss him terribly, but I'm angry at him for doing nothing to maintain the relationship after I reached out. My attitude despite SKYPE and Facebook is why bother. I am still that angry. I wish I were not so angry. People say it's the intensity of the feeling, not the length of time, but in my case, the length of time without contact is what makes me angry. Part of me is even angry at my friend's wife. Could she have suspected something, even though my friend was too old and sickly for my taste. He was just a friend. Sometimes that is the understatement of the year. Why do I find it so hard to forgive my friend and help him rebuild any kind of relationship. Maybe trust is just a fragile thing.

Eileen H. Kramer October 27, 2011

Three Days Behind

OK, I am grateful. Gratitude is an awful and very negative emotion. I am grateful it did not rain and was not cold this morning, though I am cold now. I am grateful there were Rye Vita crackers in the cupboard, because I am out of bread. I am grateful that I am not being sued. I have to pick up a return receipt, certified mail letter. I am grateful I had enough money for a cab to the Open Door yesterday which I needed to take because I overslept. Do you see a pattern yet?

On top of all of this, I've come down with a cold. My throat feels like leather. Only the drama in the scuppers has stopped, but I am enough of a mess, to not want to leave the nice, warm, galley on the ship of misery. The captain watched me shred hubbard squash for Mexican style squash and pepper salad. Everything is Mexican style these days. Spices are a balm that soothes me. The captain asked if I was poisoning the rest of the passengers. I told him I was only poisoning them if they ate my cooking.

I'm on board for the duration. I'm on board even when I spend Saturday baking my frozen and achey, starving body on Yom Kippur. I'll go out in the sun, outside the gym. Brrrr.....If I could crawl on to a big leather couch (I know the one but you don't and it's gone anyway, so it wouldn't mean anything if I told you.) and sleep for as long as I felt like it. There is an off switch in my brain and I imagine my hand reaching for it.

I'm not having nightmares any more. I'm not sure my body is cycling properly. I'll know in two and a half weeks. I told the captain that when I start acting satisfied and stop feeling so stinking grateful, I'll get off the ship of misery. Until then, I'm three days behind, sick as a dog, and wretched.

Eileen H. Kramer October 6, 2011