QC-L Version 4.0

Yes, welcome to my lair of evil thoughts and incorrect speech where I don't let go and move on and I talk about whatever I please. On a blog no one ever tells you to shut up. If you don't like what I say, just go elsewhere.

This blog now has a new background and a new theme. It is also using a remotely loaded style sheet. That is a first. It is lush, heavy, and uses a background that has a theme I have never used here before, though I have used it for pressies. Let the show go on! It always does anyway. And yes, we are powered by Blogger.

I am putting a temporary illustration here until I have a logo for this design. Watch this space.

temporary illustration


The Backfile: this blog's archives.

Ajayu, home of my story, The Sneezeweed Chronicles. Yes, I do fiction.

It will have Oneiro, my own little role play.

Unfettered Soul, my flagship site.

The Silk Purse, my play pretend Brainstorms.

Failed Messiah Religious news never sounded so good.

New York Times. Read the news and be smart.

Saturday, November 27, 2004

by Eileen Kramer

Haldis has to send out the official roster for the New Southern Hemisphere which is rostered! It will be easy to start fighting. Either she needs to send out the roster or Thadea does and it may well be Thadea due to Haldis' being in transit starting at noon tomorrow. That should be fun. At least she'll have Rachel and Bronwyn, her roommate and floor mate for company on the long bus ride back to Hanover.

Haldis is now a Neopian. She is doing my dirty work but she does it with a big smile. How did all this come about? Neopets celebrates ADVENT, not just Christmas or Seasons Greetings, Happy Holidays, but ADVENT, the count down to the birth of Christ. This is a very Christian thing, but Neopets also forbids talk about religion. One can not state one's affiliation on the boards, say one is going to a house of worship, or mention the Bible or quote from any holy book, yet Neopets celebrates ADVENT, and I am not Christian! I decided to boycott advent. Fine, that's a consumer decision. There are no penalties for not participating in any activity. That's how Neopets works, but my boycotting ADVENT still does not make for Neopets putting up menorahs, kinaras, a Happy Solstice sign, or make up for the fact that it did not mention Ramadan and makes it illegal for palyers to do so.

And yes, Neopets is a private organization, but so what. It has seventy million members of whom probably ten percent (if that) are active, but we are talking incredible numbers. Anyway, Neopets discriminates on the basis of religion. Freedom of religion doesn't exist on Neopets. Now I can say that until I'm blue in the face and I can say that to the Anti Defamation League until I'm blue in the face, but guess what, who will believe me without evidence. To obtain evidence of religious suppression, and the degree of it, one must risk one's account. Well that is where Haldis comes in. She is going to be open about her faith. She is NOT going to proselytize but she is going to be open and not shy and willing to enter discussions that others start. She also has her userlookup decorated for Channaukah. Haldis will keep a diary of what she says and what Neopets' responses are. Haldis will produce a trail of documented evidence that I will give to the ADL.

Actually Neopets discriminates against all people of faith (Just having ADVENT at Christmas time does not make up for the fact that Christians can't pray and witness the rest of the year.) but let the Christians wield their own cudgels. I'm surprised Focus on Family and similar web sites have not been up in arms about the way that Neopets treats religious Christian youth.

And yes, I'm still saving for that disco fever paint brush. It is amazing all the pointless hoops I will jump through if someone holds them up.

I haven't put up the Christmas tree yet, so I guess it goes up tomorrow night or Monday night. Tomorrow morning I have to go and buy cat food which means I can't sleep in. I guess that is a good thing.

There are times that I get profoundly angry at Georgia even though none of what is happening is her fault. A few days ago, I fond a dried turd and a small fresh turd in a corner of the computer room. I found them because Georgia was busy exploring the space and fixing to add to the pile of excrement. I put her in the bathroom litter pan and closed the bathroom door. A short while later she deposited a small blob of runs. She was having a bad morning. She had just barfed. I cleaned up the excrement and sprayed the corner with pet stain remover to take away the odor that acts like an incentive to keep going in that spot.

Tonight, I inspected for vomit and turds and found a fresh small turd in the spot in the corner. I cleaned up the corner area. I got rid of some old papers, got anything precious that was parked there to "high ground" and then I ressurected Evander's old litter pan, filled it, and put it in the corner. Any cat wanting to use the corner now has a proper facility for their defacating pleasure.

No wonder I feel angry at Georgia. Tonight she had a hard time getting focused enough to eat. At one point I put her down by her food dishes and she took some bites. At least it is all staying down, not that she is eating much. Right now she is resting, curled up in a paper bag. Hertzel, my other kitty, is sleeping on the day bed.

We had high school students at work who had to find three criticisms on obscure short stories. I said their "professor should have walked through the assignment." I may give a hard course but I walk through every new assignment. It will feel strange to be back to work on Monday. Of course I was at work today. Erma, my colleague and supervisor, lost and aunt and had to go to Jacksonville, Florida for the service. I pinch hit. I get a three day weekend next weekend but I can't go anywhere so what does it matter.

No I don't feel like a prisoner. Friday, I got to buy a lamp. I was so depressed over Georgia I could hardly walk. My legs felt like lead. I was so tired. My favorite thing to do these days is sleep especially in the mornings. I'll get up to feed the cats between eight and nine thirty and then go back to bed and sleep until noon and feed the cats again about twelve thirty and then I went to work today. That is why the Christmas tree is not up. I am depressed over Georgia. She is skin and bones. She barfs. She sometimes can't focus, and I just wonder what awful thing happens next. It's going to get worse. I just don't know how bad.

Actually it was good I got out Friday. I bought a lamp at Finds and Consigns, a store down near Publix on Macon Road. Linda, the owner said some lamps came in which fit my wishlist. I bought an Oriental lamp for twenty-five dollars. The thing is monstrous and my room is now golden due to the tan shade. I want to get a white shade that lets out more white light. I am running a full spectrum bulb in that lamp to reduce cabin fever. Anyway, Finds and Consigns is a great store. I'm glad I dragged myself down to it. It was much easier walking back.

Friday, November 26, 2004

by Eileen Kramer

Well, I need to run up a mast head. Now I realize that at this time last year, I had just joined Brainstorms and loved it. Boy was that ever misguided! And no they don't get a link or free publicity for obvious reasons. I'm glad I'm done with them. Brainstorms taught me that I value self expression over community and my avatars above a lot. I would go through fire and water for my personnae and the right to keep them. By being kicked out of Brainstorms I learned the value and power of play pretend. In short it was worth it to be who I am, say what I said, and do what I did (polite as I was) and get kicked out of Brainstorms. My Pretend Brainstorms is much better even though it needs some work.

Now on to Neopets: I've been earning my steady 5000 NP per day This time I swear I'm going to make it and save for a very expensive paint brush for Shanti, my well cared for white grundo. White is a great color but Shanti deserves to be something more special. I am getting cheeky on the boards and having freeze scares. I tell myself sometimes it would be all to the best if this whole Neopets adventure ended. I could go back to my patterage and revenge work and those things are important to me. Thankfully I make sure I do the Run Amuck and Third Rail boards every day and try to blog most days.

I've had some trouble blogging because Georgia sometimes isn't doing well. Tonight she refused food which for her is unusual. She wants to hang out on the bed with Hertzel and that is pretty much it. She is skin and bones. She isn't doing a good job grooming herself. At the same time she acts more or less like a normal Georgia. I look at her and wonder just when it is going to get bad and how bad it is going to get. I hate being tied to the apartment and having to race home at lunch. I resent feeling exhausted by this whole regimen that makes Georgia more comfortable too. There I said it. After I feed Georgia I count how much free time I get until the next feeding. And yes, Georgia is still playing catfood roulette but not tonight.

OK, I spent Thanksgiving alone and lived to tell the tale. I want to do my usuual rant about spending the holidays alone. First, people who spend the holidays alone are freaks and problems. Yes, you can be spending the holiday alone throuogh no fault of your own which is sort of my case. I can't leave Georgia and the only invite in my family is from my dad whom I don't trust well enough (history of abuse) to stay overnight in his house in Boca Raton and that was half hearted without anything approaching decent lead time. My mother goes to her boyfriend's daughter's family and says she hates it, but puts up with it. I did have my mother here for Christmas last year. I did not mind doing all the work. I don't know if there will be a repeat performance.

Everyone knows I have odd food preferences, (kosher and northern which pans out as vegetarian) so I don't get invites at work. Besides Thanksgiving is a family time and people tend not to invite single colleagues. Charity is a funny bird. People give what they think you need when they think you need it. Rides short distances are a classic example. I get tons of those and I turn them down. I don't want them and don't need them. An invite to someone's home even if just for dessert or leftovers just doesn't materialize. Should I have to beg.

OK here is where we get to the good part. People spending the holidays alone are clearly second class citizens. First, they are expected to take the leavings and be grateful for them, an invite where the food is gross, an invite by an abusive parent etc... That's leavings.

Second, if they don't take the leavings, people spending the holiday alone are expected to repent of their faults and atone. You don't believe me read all those articles saying how giving to others at holiday time remedies the holiday blues. "Go help at a nursing home or soup kitchen," experts advise. Now if this is what you like to do and it's part of your holiday routine and you like it, well fine. Go for it, but think about it for a moment. Asking someone who is by themselves at holiday time who has the least socially to volunteer to help those less fortunate, is asking those who have the least and who need help to give the most. What's more soup kitchens and nursing homes are depressing places. They can make a person who is down feel more depressed. I know when I think of the least fortunate I think that life expletive deleteds all around and here's the proof. If I want to cheer myself up during holiday time I go and look at well decorated houses, the plant room at Walmart which has pointsettias in every imaginable color, my Christmas tree or the posh houses near the golf course. It's nice to see beauty and seeing thoose big mansions reminds me that the game of life has some real winners in it even if they are not me.

Third those who lack sufficient family for the holidays (and this includes those who are alone) are expected to disappear. In this case someone suggests "why not go away for the holiday?" I blink and ask where I would go. I also remind the person that the local hotel does a fine buffet, not that it is the kind of food I particularly want to eat.

So what is a person who is spending the holiday alone to do? Well, first of all realize holidays are for having fun, not for sharing love or family togetherness. If that is part of the fun great, but it is perfectly OK to have fun all by yourself.

So the answer is simple: have fun. I enjoy the cooking and hosting the festive meal at Thanksgiving which is why the hotel buffet does not cut it. I also eat a vegetarian diet, so I made my own Thanksgiving dinner just for me. I now have tons of leftovers just like the people who celebrated with family. I got to plan, shop, cook, and enjoy. I also had no nasty relatives to deal with. I did not do pennance etc...

If you prefer more traditional fare and you have the fifteen to twenty dollars, make a reservation for one at the hotel buffet in your town. Yes, you can go by yourself. If you are uncomfortable eating alone in restaurants, than lose that discomfort. Bring a book. You can read while you enjoy a traditional meal all dressed up just like you would be at a family affair. In fact there is a room full of families and maybe also some alone folks enjoying their meal right along with you.

When it comes to Christmas or Channaukah, decorate your home or apartment. I own a big beautiful white Christmas tree that is going up tomorrow. I have CD's of holiday carrols. Go out and take a walk and see the pretty Christmas lights and view the decorations at the local mall. You can decorate just for you and it is fun.

Think of lots of fun things to do by yourself on days when stores are closed. These inclde drawing, playing computer games, watching videos, listening to music, reading, and going for long walks.

Doesn't this make spending the holidays alone sound a lot better? I hope it does, and take it from one who just had a great solo Thanksgiving, it really works.

Sunday, November 21, 2004

by Eileen Kramer

I'll say it. Neopets turned into the de facto replacement for Brainstorms. That is wrong, but it is hard to deny it. My two web boards help prevent it from happening completely and this blog is also a lonely outpost of what should be a valuable self directed self created social capital free substitute that is all around an improvement and something any body could do. The cure from the box always trumps home made. Give me any pile of dung and I will climb it.

I have completed another cycle of get and spend on Neopets. The woman with whom I was planning to trade for a dung slorg found another customer. This was great because there were others trying to sell that same product cheaper. I saved 16,000NP. Ephraim now has a dung slorg and we both learned that she bites, quite literally. So now I have three petpets who bite. My pets take turns taking them to Turmaculus and the Darigan citadel so they can have the dung beat out of them in revenge. The citadel where another petpet beats on them works well. Turmaculus has rolled on bahiti, the ghostkerfish, a few times and even woke up and gave her extra strength a few days ago.

Anyway, I'm back at square one and gaming to raise funds. I want a disco fever paint brush for Shanti this time. Shanti is my white grundo. I would like her to be disco or pink. Actally disco which is lime and pink floral would look pretty on her and there are not a lot of disco grundos around. All that is three months off. I would like to find a mentor to stick with me on the long haul. I am going to place a help wanted ad on a few of the Neoboards and see if I can get a nibble. The idea is to keep me on the straight and narrow for three whole months, to prevent me from settling for second best, doing kitchen quests, buying cute toys or piles of health food items etc... The mentor gets a companion who wants nothing but companionship. I get some advice and some encouragement and of course moral support.

I'll be playing Neopets before work tomorrow. I may even get on again tonight to leave an ad asking for a mentor. I'll repeat this several times. Hopefully someone will step out of the shadows. I hope this is legal on Neopets. I suspect it is.

Meanwhile, I need to tweak the RAOK guestbook in a very important way. I fixed it and it is working right but it needs a roundup. I still haven't asked for a current events area at either RAOK or LOTH.

Also the the Silk Purse, my pretend Brainstorms, needs some work. It needs links to places I actually go even if they are read only and also Chowhound now has a home cooking board that is just what I want to read. People who actually cook are few and far between. LOTH has trouble maintaining a recipe board, so too did the original Brainstorms. Chowhound has no such trouble. I need to link in the new board and add Anti-war.com to the Silk Purse.

I don't know why I have stopped signing Caringbridge guestbooks. The guestbooks are some of the safest and cleanest around. I guess reading about illness is in the end rather boring if you are healthy. There is the daily round of caring for the invalid. That is tiring. The invalid either complains or doesn't but the complaints don't differ that much from person to person. Again, this is boring. I don't even like to talk about illness when I am sick. I guess I don't really like sick people. I don't mind old people and rather like them, and many of them are quite infirm, but they are old and that is how one gets if one lives long enough. Just ask Georgia, my cat. Sick people who are young though are just way too boring and sad.

I just fed Georgia. She has been eating all night though not that much. She plays cat food slot machine. She knows each time she asks she gets something different so she asks early and asks often. Yes, she is a godawful beggar. She has a runny eye tonight. She has had that on and off for years. The vet up north said it was an allergy. She nests all over the house though today she established a new nest, under one of my dressers in the bedroom. I even found her in the nest curled in a perfect ball. Yes, Georgia as boney as she is, can still curl in a perfect round ball.

I went grocery shopping this morning instead of this evening. I found plenty of beautiful eggplants and bought a nice plump one. I also found rock hard gigantic daikon radishese and snagged one of those. Zucchini was on sale, but some of it was soft. The chayotes which are often less expensive looked gross. I complained. I also found only two red cabbages and bought the larger one which is not that large. I have two dishes planned for Thanksgiving dinner. I have to work on a third. And yes, this is all just for me but I don't care.

Work was busy today which beats working a dead desk any day of the week. I even got to answer a stumper. I did not do anything heroic. I tried several subject encyclopedias and when I found out that the person that my user needed to learn about was a sociologist as well as a criminologist, I used a basic mixed index and came up with an article in American Journal of Sociology that reviewed his work. That felt good.

Later in the afternoon, a bored five year old girl decided to play with the print indexes that are near the computers. In my mind's eye I saw the indexes about to take a tumble to the floor and a very "sorry" mother. I asked the little girl and her brother if they would like anything to read and asked their mother permission to take them up to the third floor to select a pile of kiddy books from which they could take out as many as they needed on their mother's card. She as a student has essentially unlimited borrowing. The books kept the little ones busy. I did not see the five year old messing with the indexes for the rest of the afternoon.

My last reference customer of the day was a middle school boy who arrived with his college age brother and a whole horde of friends. The kid needed a biography that was at least a hundred and fifty pages long. We found a Michael Jordan biography but it was a little kids' book (We have a teacher education program which is where all the kiddy books come from.) that was twenty-four pages long. I took the young man to where the sports books are and among the basketball books found a biography of Bill Bradley (Yes, the Senator from New Jersey who also played in the NBA and went to Princeton. Some people have it all!). Needless to say, I had a very satisfied customer.

Tomorrow I face another four hour desk shift but since stores are not open, I get to sleep in. That is sad because I would like to eat out or at least have an Auntie Anne's pretzel. It has been ages since I ate one of those. It's not that I live to eat. It is just that it is a struggle to get out with Georgia so in need of pampering. She is not acting sick or unhappy toough running my hand down her back is a bumpy ride. She is emaciated. This makes what I'm doing seem silly at times and at other times I resent it. That is part of the caregiver routine. I am tied to the apartment which isn't even clean because I fear disturbing Georgia and Hertzel with the vacuum cleaner. I do have to vacuum so I can put up the Christmas tree during Thanksgiving break though that is a few days away. Tomorrow, I have a morning I will just have to write off. Maybe that won't be so bad.

Friday, November 19, 2004

by Eileen Kramer

I had an interesting experience on Neopets tonight. I asked a woman to hold her dung slorg for me for a few days. I don't know if she will. I can afford to buy one now from a shop. A dung slorg is a petpet that looks like a slug but is dung colored. It is gross and sweet at the same time. After paying good money for two mean Maraquan (This is a lost city that is now underwater) things that bite my pets on the nose, a cute little ugly dung slug will be just perfect and she will go to the apple of my eye, my Ephraim, my split (half purple half orange) bruce (a plump little penguin). Ephraim is the reincarnation of TwatLicker my bruce from 1999.

Anyway the woman selling the dung slorg in the trading post was surprised that I wanted a hold and that I bookmarked her page. She is giving me the hold and if she doesn't, no harm done. I have the NP and she has the merchandise. It would be nice to have a long term hold on a very expensive item such as a paint brush. I still have two pets I want to paint. White is an OK color for grundos but Shanti would rather be pink or disco fever (flowered), and Bball_fan would definitely look good spotted. I want to get her either a robot or spotted petpet too. In other words, I am thoroughly immersed in the world of gettting and spending. The partner who would sell me the more expensive item and keep it off the market until I have the NP would provide security and moral support. He or she in turn would get to know that he or she was helping build good Neopian (Horatio Alger) type character in me. This would work with items worth up to about 250NP. Beyond that the buyer is chasing a moving target.

Haldis finally redid her page. Here it is. I am not advertising the page in the circles in which Haldis moves. Someone will trip over it and all you know what will break loose. So it goes. I have too much to lose to make this kind of bold statement. I agreee with a lot of what Haldis says. I think I am just a tad more discrete. Haldis does not have to be discrete. She has a lot more going for her than her CoJanitorship at the Webleagues. If I were her age I would do exactly as she does. The fact that Haldis is nineteen and has the world spread out in front of her like the daily buffet in the food court or Home Plate or the Pavillion (No college worth its salt lacks "good food."). She can be unthrifty and bold. I envy her though I really don't wish I was nineteen either. It all gets rather complicated sometimes.

The Webleagues is on vacation this week. ZOID is up with its ballot locked and ready to go. We had a record breakingly low turnout last cycle. I am not expecting much better this cycle. I am not ready to campaign again though with Haldis on the way out, I might be able to do that. Unfettered Soul would need a bit of work (not that much) to be put into fighting trim. Actually, Unfettered Soul is going through an identity crisis. Spiritualism is great, but I don't keep a log any more. Guestbook signing and pressies are great, but most guestbooks are dirty. They either advertise malware or throw it at you. This is not a place I want to send anybody or one I want to go to myself. This is sad because personal web sites and guestbooks are a way that those without "social capital" can generate it or could when the guestbooks were safe.

In a short while, I get to feed Georgia who has been eating all evening. That is a good thing. She is mewier than usual, more talkative and somehow brighter. I think the Enercal helps. I also bought her another tube of supplement. I always thought something like this would ultimately happen to her. Now it is happening. I am too tired to hurt tonight and that is good. Actually, it expletive deleteds big time because all I can think about is sleep. I am coming down with either a cold or the flu. I am tired all the time. I wake up achy and sniffly and somtimes hoarse. I crave hot tea which I drink by the big glassfuls. You get the idea. If I dose myself up with Naproxen I feel OK. Right now what is keeping me out of bed is Georgia's need for a fourth feeding.

I want to buy groceries in the morning and then unpack them and feed Georgia before I go to work. Yes, this is a nine day week on top of everything else. It would be an eleven day week were it not for the Thanksgiving holiday. I don't even care about spending Thanksgiving alone. No one has invited me anywhere. I'm not the world's most gracious house guest. They know I'll only be pretending to like it. Besides, no one really puts themselves out so who am I kidding. Most likely no one invites me because they are afraid I'll accept the invitation.

The reason I want to buy groceries in the morning is the produce is fresher and less picked over. I actually saw decent eggplants in Publix this week. I have wanted to make eggplant casserole for the longest time. Lou dislikes my eggplant casserole which is either curried or in the Chinese style. He is not fond of eggplant without "sauce." Eggplant is a delicate vegetable that is good in more delicately flavored concoctions though I like eggplant parmasagne as much as the next person.

Yes, I want eggplant peanut casserole for Thanksgiving. There I said it. I also want red cabbage salad and I'm making an extra loaf of fig bread that has pistachio nuts in it. I want to make a fourth dish but don't know what that is. I want greens and potatoes again. This is the third weekend in a row I've wanted them. Right now though there is some awful (way too bland!) navy bean soup, rice, and a freshly roasted carnival squash in the fridge. The greens and potatoes are going to have to wait.

It is the start of syllabus season at work. I was able to mount the syllabus today and the work for the first two classes. You can see what I have here. I feel good about this. The flipping over of assignments is going very fast. I won't be flipping any over into html tomorrow because it is four hours straight desk shift. I am flipping the documents from Word to html by hand so the code loads fast. At heart this is an elegant and appealing process.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

by Eileen Kramer

Haldis is on the verge of burning every virtual bridge that connects her to the outside world. Once these are down, none of my avatars will belong to any community. I will be free to maintain them. Since my fiasco with Brainstorms I realize how little I need community and the same goes for my avatars. What is happening with Haldis is that I have three pieces of anti-Patriotic art that are going to go on the first page of her web site. These are likely to piss off some of the people she deals with at the Webleagues. You can figure out the rest of the story.

The problem is I am feeding Georgia four times per day and working full time and Haldis scores a team at Webleagues while I score ZOID and I contribute to Ladies Advance plus two multivoice web boards and this blog. And of course, let's not forget Neopets. I've also got writer's block or maybe avatar runner's block. First, would Haldis publish this stuff? Her politics are bold and fierce and similar to mine so the answer is yes. Second, would she publish it given whom she works with at Webleagues? She is not activiely campaigning so she does not have to worry about pissing off supporters. She is not in a ladies group so she does not have to worry about pissing off fellow members.

Am I being a coward for giving the graphics to Haldis? This is a more complicated question. If I used the graphics they would have a page within the Unfettered Soul web site. They would not be out front. I like those scarlet maple leaves, the last of my Project of Infinite and Unspeakable Evil too much to get rid of them. I have too much at stake to risk alienating people. Haldis does not.

The next problem is what to write with the graphics. This is where I get stuck. Poetry may be the way to go. Most of the writing on the front of Haldis' web page has been stream of consciousness. I have desk time tomorrow afternoon. I may try brainstorming (oh that word!) and/or outlining to get the prose straight. After that, I'm around in the evening so why not.

I am getting the itchy urge to get and spend like crazy on Neopets. That means more games. Neopets is letting you play games five times from the 15th to 20th of this month and possibly every month after that. I want to buy a black or dung slorg for Ephraim as a petpet. Yes, they make dung slorgs. A slorg looks like a slug. Slorg is copyrighted. Slug is not. A slorg is a lot cuter than a slug. Of course what I should try to save up for is a disco fever paint brush for Shanti. I don't know if I'll ever have the grit to hang in there that long. I have 60,000NP in the bank so that is a start. It will take about thirty-five to forty days to get the NP for that kind of a paint brush. It will take between ten and twenty days to get enough NP for a black slorg or a turtum, another very desirable petpet. A turtum is a turtle with a coat of arms on it. Anyway, I don't need more Neopets right now.

Neopets was down yesterday, and I was sure glad to have my multivoice boards. I have managed to keep them up to date. I am finding that if my avatars talk with each other, I have very little need to find a decent outside community for them and I'm not fond of most communities. It is also hard to find an active decent community. Most are simply not active. Many are simply spew pits for people like My Brother in Spirit or Poster #17. I know one man, John Gear, who left a community to spew. Others do share my view that community on the net is overrated. This blog is where I like to spew. Anyway, Haldis has very little to lose. I just wish I could find the words that go with the pictures. I don't want the words to be crass. The pictures are what a lot of jingoists fear we are doing. It will be great to meet their fears head on, but the words that go with the pictures should have some class.

It is important to keep writing. It is important that the bastards at Brainstorms do not silence me. I do not need community for self expression. I'm perfectly free to do it right here and I will. It is harder without the stimulous of other people doing the same thing, but it is not impossible. Quitters never win and winners never quit. Say that three times fast.

Georgia was curled in a ball under the tall stool outside the kitchen. That is where she makes her day nest. When I go to bed she will hopefully join me. She is on eight dabs (2tsp) of Enercal plus what she feels like eating which is not much. She is an ill groomed bag of bones. I sometimes wonder if she ever thinks about being a young cat. Cats have good memories. There is no reason that she should not remember. Sometimes I really do wish she could talk. I think we would both have a lot to say.

I am really tired right now. I went to Publix tonight to buy more canned cat food I work this weekend (Yes, this is another eleven day week) and I did not want to have to run out after work and get cat food on the weekend and I wanted to be able to sleep in if I chose to. So here I am....

I have a decent desk book called Indian Lawyer by Jack Welch. I did not think I would like it but I do. It is the story of a man denied parole who fears he will be murdered in prison and the Indian lawyer he tries to blackmail. The Indian lawyer has issues with his ethnicity and his very poor background.

I miss being able to go to Atlanta on my days off. I miss the good food. You can't get decent gorgonzola cheese in Columbus. Tonight Publix had beautiful eggplants. They stuck out of their bin like deep purple butt cheeks, smooth and round and plump and unblemished. Too bad I was not in the market for eggplant. I want to make eggplant and rice casserole for Thanksgiving but all the eggplants will look like dirt on the day I go to buy one. This has been going on for the past two weekends. I may grocery shop after work on Monday night for Thanksgiving. Yes, the feast is just for me. I like being alone at the holidays or rather I have grown used to it and I make myself enjoy it anyway. Being alone at holiday time is no worse than blogging. One has to get over the fact that one needs people to celebrate. Once one gets past that point, the fun begins and one can look forward to one's Thanksgiving dinner and time off and sleeping in and all the rest.

If I had my Play Pretend E-Zine going, I would include an article on solitary celebration and how much fun it can be. I think people need a good education in self-sufficiency and yes, the right and left sides of this blog are starting to bleed into each other. Maybe it is time to go back to a unified design.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

by Eileen Kramer

Everything is overcome by events yet vengance victories happen. I talked to one of the women on Buddy's Christian Fun Group back channel. The letters we exchanged were worth more than the list. They were mostly nostalgia things, but I felt I got to know Betty Jo a lot better than I would on a list full of forwards.

I've been reading a lot at Anti-War.com and throwing away most of what comes through Buddy's Christian Fun Group. I read it when I can. I almost never respond except what I wrote back privately to Betty Jo. I tell myself if I had the time I could gather up the images and package them, but I don't have access to the raw material and besides I don't feel that everything sent to me needs to be passed on. This blog is my little radio station and the multi-voice boards, and the recipe board, and Ladies' Advance and ZOID.

Now I do draw on the reference desk and I wanted to make some political art for Haldis' web page. What came out was most transgressive indeed. I drew a demon in a US desert camouflage uniform, a flag being stuffed down a toilet bowl, and dirty feet wiping themselves on a flag. This is going to piss people off. I'm afraid to use the work scanner or the H drive for these images though they are clearly protected political speech. Pictures are powerful and that feels good. I can only imagine the explosion these pictures would set off if sent to Buddy's Christian Fun Group. Eileen travels too many places to use these pictures. Haldis who is only nineteen, however, is more daring. The problem is getting the pictures scanned. I could use the work scanner and scan them on to floppy disk. This makes sure there is no record of them on any work computer. With the scanner, they are just passing through. Scanning them at Kinko's is expensive and they have to be resized to be small enough to be web page and floppy disk ready. I'm not sure how long that would take via trial and error. The drawing pad which is in my office in my bag of art supplies is not a problem. I can always take it home. Once it is gone, there is no proof the pictures existed.

Putting the pictures on Haldis' web page will effectively kill Haldis. It won't happen right away. Someone will have to find the images and pitch a fit. Then comes the mob violence. A good idea would be to cloak the hopefulviper.us domain in case someone decides to run a Whois on it. It costs something like five dollars. I can afford that and will look into that. I may experience blowback from Haldis' political art. I probably also need to heads up Sweetpea who owns Haldis' server space. He needs to know a storm may break in his corner of the net.

Right now though the drawing pad is in my office. If I do make the scans, I will have to touch them up with Paintshop Pro and then do the page so all this is a ways off, but not that far away. I used to say on the original Brainstorms that this would happen some day. Well someday is here. I don't fake deaths or chronic illness or beg for money. My avatars just experss themselves. That is the long and short of it. They have their own board. That is quite successful. They really don't need a web site competition run by someone who has the dollars but whose competence is marginal at best. And no I'm not doing this to get thrown out of Webleagues. I just want a place to vent my anger and counteract all the drivelicious patriotic images I've seen the last few years. I think I managed to crack Buddy's visual language and take it for my own. Too bad, what came out were obscenities.

Georgia takes me on an emotional roller coaster. She eats well sometimes and picks at her food other times and asks for something new other times. She is getting rather spoiled. With all this, she lives a normal life. There are a few things she can not do. She can not roll over on her back or jump to the kitchen counter without a stool. She does not want to play with her feather toy either, but otherwise her life is normal. She was purring in my bed this morning and nobody begs like Georgia and she is not off in some corner but in the t-hall or by the kitchen watching all the comings and goings in the apartment.

I don't think Georgia is gaining any weight, but she is eating and has more energy and strength than she had two weeks ago. I am exhausted. Feeding a cat four times a day, especially one who is learning that if you beg you get something different and maybe better, is challenging. I am forever washing cat dishes. Also Georgia now has a water dish. It is a cat dish that I bought at Petsmart. It was not a waste of money. The dish is very heavy so paws and noses can not tip it over or dragged around. Georgia loves it. The dish is just her size. It says "cat dish" on it and in the bottom is a picture of a cat whering a collar with a heart shaped tag that says "my kitty" on it.

I know now that the vet was right. Georgia has good quality of life and extensive medical work would only mess up that quality and might not bring any benefits. If she starts experiencing discomfort, that will change things. Georgia is right now having good time. I have to remember that. It is not a sad thing. I've seen time that was less than good. I saw that with Evander. Georgia is not Evander, the cat I lost to leukemia in 2000.

The hardest part of all this is that I can't go to Atlanta. I can go out shopping to sme pretty decent places in Columbus and can even go downtown. I can be gone for about seven or eight hours but that is it. Four feedings a day means I'm home a lot. Georgia will be due for feeding number two in one to two hours. I may let her wake up and ask for it. She is resting now. She has managed to eat to satiety. That feels very good.

The apartment is cleaner than it has been in a while, because I cleaned the kitchen Wednesday and cleaned the cat boxes on Thursday morning. I also clean up any cat vomit I find. I have the beginnings or tail end of a cold. Mostly it is sniffles I hardly notice. My IBS has not settled down and I may torture it again when I go to Petsmart tomorrow. I need to go to the Publix on Macon Road because I would like to go to the drug store in the same shopping center and I can't haul cat litter four miles.

The one thing I miss from Atlanta is really good bleu cheese and fancy olives. I got some gorgonzola cheese in Publix and it was mediocre. The Publix near Petsmart may have different cheese since it has a different clientele. The Publix on Macon Road has more Hispanic customers and sells roasted salted pepitas which have become my favorite ingredient in macaroni salad. I'll try to publish the recipe.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

by Eileen Kramer

I broke the Neopets yoke off my back though I still miss being able to play it as much as I did earlier. Between Georgia, my cat's, decline and more desk hours at work, that is just not happening. I fear I will be facing four hungry pets. I also spent way too much money to train two of them. Ephraim was due a level raise and Koltzan whose shrine gives out random gifts has turned into a stingy bastard. He doesn't like painted or well cared for pets. He doesn't like Ephraim, my resurrected bruce, and the apple of my eye though I have great respect for all my pets, and Bball_fan, my tonu, is a truely blessed creature.

I also realize my multi-voice blogs are more important than Neopets for vengance which is my goal. Still, I find myself drifting towards Neopets' boards from time to time. They are a sad place. Conversation is ephemeral and so restricted and there is so much begging and lording it over other players that it makes them sad.

I got the RAOK guestbook and Kringles Kids squared away so I can begin the next phase of my project. I visit the RAOK board daily. I did a bunch of transcribes to the LOTH boards. I need to get back to doing birthdays again. I am not a big fan of online birthday celebrations.

There must be people for whom a full inbox is very gratifying but I am not one of them and there are times when I find having to say thankyou for favors I did not request a burden. I find that often the generic support one gets at birthdays and the ongoing support one needs works better if I just do fictious characters giving me positive support or write positive self talk myself. Something about writing it and reading it later, makes me feel good. And I don't have to say "thankyou" each time I need help. I am not a born ingrate, but the support one gets because people are on a birthday committee or because you have asked is always fairly minimal and there is no followup so one has to go back again and again. And you have to be grateful each time.

Meanwhile, I am tryin to puzzle out Poster #17. I still can't bring myself to post regularly to Buddy's Christian Fun Group, but Poster #17 puzzles me. She inundates the list with images, most of which are copyrighted cartoons or someone else' art. She tells us they are funny, cute, etc... I find most of them unappealing but that is primarily because there are so many of them. Poster #17 takes delight in filling inboxes with a shovel. Does she really like ALL this stuff she dumps? She sends it to several groups and as a result it all lands in the wrong place. It is almost as if Poster #17 is running a radio station.

If Poster #17 has a radio station it has no DJ or announcer or presenter (It's not the BBC for sure). In fact it is one of those stations that plays all its programs on a tape loop. She has no voice. She never talks about herself which might be interesting or about her ideas or about the news of the day. The message from this welter is "I'm not important." If one's voice is not important, one is is not important. It is that brutally simple, though of course Poster #17 would disagree, but actions speak far louder than words, and I am not discussing identity theft or public embarassment. I'm just talking about a world view of identity. It is OK to believe one does not matter and that other people's stuff is better than one's own and that pictures have more weight than ordinary words. It is not my world view given the blogs and multi-voice boards or the fact that any graphics I circulated would be mine. OK, it's time to get dressed and feed a cat who doesn't seem too hungry. Noon is day sleeping time.

Georgia is eating lightly and her first feeding was late. The house smells of Pine Sol because I attacked the kitchen. In case any one doesn't know I am working second shift today.

I'm going to say it right here and if any one doesn't like it too bad: I grieve with the mothers, sisters, and daughter of Fallujah. I wonder how all this will end. You can take a city, reduce it to ruins, occupy it but then what. To whom do you give it back? If most of the insurgents have melted away and are elsewhere, the problem is bound to redouble. So what was the point in the first place and none of this protects my freedom or is being fought in my name except my W-2's pay for it and there is not a thing I can do about it.

I don't know if protesting would do any good. Most of the news is what the military wants us to hear. I go to Anti-war.com for commentary. I don't have anyy patience for the hawks since they got us into this war on lies.

In other news, I did not vacuum the apartment this morning. I cleaned the kitchen instead. Though Georgia is not particularly frightened of the vacuum cleaner (Hertzel is very scaird but thatis Hertzel)I wanted her to have a peaceful morning and besides this place is such a wreack any where one can start is a place where one cna make progress. I also did not mop the kitchen floor so I could do a noon (or thereabouts) cat feeding. I think of everything somtimes. Georgia is resting in the bedroom where Hertzel is having his day sleep. Georgia is in a side sprawl. Hertzel is curled in a ball.

I face six hours of desk today at work. No one seems to know how to make a long hour unstressful desk schedule. It's a lost art or one that no one ever discovered where I work. Our schedules change from week to week. I just check the master schedule on the shelf behind the reference desk and don't even bother to kill the trees to print out a copy that is only good for a week. Having the same desk hours all semester is just much better.

I've been waking up in the morning and not wanting to get out of bed. I wake up hurting. Often I have nightmares though last night I didn't. The nightmares are utterly prosaic, anxiety dreams, dreams about losing things, dreams about returning to class in college and knowing nothing. One nightmare was about Georgia drowning and that was pretty bad. I don't know why I want to go to sleep at night except I am tired.

My IBS has flared up and I got hit with cramps this morning and last night. There is something decidedly weird about going to bed with your hands on that sore spot that just won't stop hurting. In the morning it either hurts more or less but all of me hurts. I thought this was just nerves. Now I think I am coming down with something because my throat was hoarse and tight. It did not really hurt. Also my nose is running. I'll probably just sniffle away for a couple of weeks and wake up real achy at the same time.

I'm going to open the living room window, the only one that opens to air out the Pine-sol smell. Phew that is strong.

Monday, November 08, 2004

by Eileen Kramer

In about half an hour Haldis scores Webleagues. She does not expect there to be that many ballots in the box. She is tired and has studying to do. Ashleigh, one of her floormates has been talking politics to exhaustion. It seems there were voting irregularities that marred last week's elections. Like I wish. Like Haldis wishes. I think this will make a juicy long range scandal, but not get any one impeached or make them step down from office in disgrace. Sorry....this will take to long to come out in the wash.

Haldis had to do some editing and send some attachments out for her team. Other than that things are quiet. I wish things would be noisier at ZOID. Ballot turn out for ZOID is abysmally low. As for vengance, the project of learning my brother in spirit's lingo is still back burnered. I could do it. I can do it. It is going to take some work.

I think YBGeorge and friends have another identity paradigm. It goes like this. "Who I am is NOT important." Huh...they would deny it if confronted with it, but they seldom write about themselves or produce original material. They seem to disappear in their own posts with all their outrageous bandwidth. What they have to say must not be important if other people's words are more important than their own. I am not sure I'm ready for this. It is better than Brainstorms though!!!!!

I squared away Kringles Kids and the RAOK guestbook on Sunday. I want to beg Kim and Candi to let me run a Current Events board in one or both groups. Yes, I have enough to do but there is a method to my mandness and no I am not trying to bring "intelligent conversation" to RAOK and LOTH. I want to give people who otherwise get their current events opinion pieces as feed with no space for discussion to have a place for discussion. More places for open discussion means less chance for demagogues and propagandists to lead a group of voters en masse to the polls.

I am so tired that I could just drift off to sleep. Georgia was good on all her feedings save the last one. She is up in a hunch up some of the time and sleeping in a ball and on the bed other times. She is in the bedroom right now. She has brighter eyes and some time today, she groomed herself. She has more energy and strength even if she is not gaining weight, and yes, she also drank from the bath tub last night when the tub was full of hot water. Both my cats (Hertzel, my boy of joy, is my other cat. He is my second boy of joy but he is truely a balm to the wounded and grieving hearts.) like hot water. I guess it is kind of a treat especially when it smells and tastes of mommy. I can think like a cat some of the time. Right now the cats are resting and I want to sleep in the worst way.

I know, however, that self experssion is the most important thing. I remind myself that quitters never win and winners never quit and so I persevere! I had a two hour meeting at work today. It was a librarian faculty meeting. Long meetings are the bane of my existence. I also had four hours of desk shift, plus I had to go home and feed Georgia at noon. Georgia is due for her last feeding at midnight. These multiple feedings are the vet's idea. He told me be prepared to waste food. Georgia gets Enercal, a high calorie supplement before each feeding. If Georgia shows no interest in food tonight (and she ate a fair amount today and appears to be improving so she has limits and that is OK.) I'll just give her some Enercal and call it square. A cat that eats nearly a can of food a day and gets a ton of enercal is probably OK. I think Georgia may even be gaining weight though she is still a bag of bones. Some old people like some old cats wind up emaciated.

Georgia is taking another pass at the food she refused earlier. I turned it over so the moist part was sticking up. She knows I'll manipulate food for her and will even ask for this. She is a very smart cat.

I have all but one of the outlines for my class done. I have permission to mirror all Besna-related web pages for my class as well. The owners don't know that I believe with lots of evidence that Bensa is a spoof web site. It is a nasty spoof, but a sick joke all the same. Anyway, it is the subject for my class on intellectual freedom next March. Yes, syllabi are planned well in advance.

I did not go to Atlanta this three day weekend. Georgia is just not well enough to leave alone for twelve hours. She may be strong enough in a couple of weeks for that. I bought as much as I could locally and made a trip to Petsmart and Michael's hobby store on Sunday. I got all kinds of exotic flavors of cat food. The winners for Georgia, however, are Friskie's beef and liver senior and mixed grill regular. She likes some of the Fancy Feast varieties too. Fancy Feast is good when I don't want to put down a big feeding. Remember Georgia and Hertzel share the food. She likes canned food better than he does and takes more passes. I don't have to worry about theft. Isolating Georgia in a sick room would kill her in short order. Fortnately, Georiga can live a normal indoor-only cat life.

I had dinner in the Subway up near Petsmart. I think I am the only one who gets sandwiches with chipotl sauce and everything (well everything but jalapenos). I like my subs spicey and I like to eat them with bar-b-que chips or Doritos and plenty of Dr. Pepper. Yes, this does a job on my IBS. I won't get graphic about it. I also made kale and fried potaotes this weekend, but it is long gone. Feeding Georgia gives me couvade and stimulates my own appetite along with hers. Next weekend I am getting more creamer potatoes (I love potatoes!) and kimchee. Potatoes and kimchee are a great combination. I've eaten this enough times in the Chinese buffets (Kimchee is Korean but so what) to know it would make a great eat at home lunch. I'd just have cold salt potatoes instead of fried ones. It's fewer calories that way.

And for any one who is curious, Georiga is curled in a ball on my pillow though not all tucked ino the ball, she is definitely curled and has gone to my bed to curl. Good girl!

Friday, November 05, 2004

by Eileen Kramer

What can I say. Neopets got overcome by events, but not before I painted Ephraim split. The pets are still getting fed and some charitable Neopian named Givengoddess bestowed nine melted chocolate neggs on me. I am auctioning them off. This is a pleasant gift and apparently, Givengoddess liked the sonnet I wrote to beg for the neggs.

If I don't have a big financial goal, the pets and I can live quite well, for very few NP per day. I can play games that interest me and play them for fun if I feel like it. I can gamble for fun which means Kitchen Quests. In other words, I can have fun which is the reason Neopets exists in the first place. Last night, I had a very good round of Chemistry for Beginners. I scored 788 and ended up with my first trophy! I am also glad I painted Ephraim. I've paid my debt to the past. The question is what next, but it won't be answered on Neopets. Read the right side of this blog to find out.

As of this evening, vengance against Brainstorms and all things Brainstormish is in disarray. It has nothing to do with my rethinking anything. Sorry, folks no moral epiphanies. Vengance at least for the next few days is overcome by events. Brainstorms if I were still there, would be equally overcome by events.

I paid my bills so I should be able to order that CD from BMG Music and get them off my back. It will be an economic vengance victory. As for learning YB George's group's language, changing tastes and adaptation is incredibly hard work and the energy to do it is just not there right now. It may come back. I believe that where there is a will there is a way and that winners never quit and quitters never win. I believe in passion and joy. I am going to have to muster more reserves of energy and ingenuity or at worst temporarily shelve the project. Just reading my Brother in Spirit's posts may be all I can handle right now. OK, on to the right side of this blog.

Georgia is dying. She is not going to die tonight or tomorrow. She is eating, but she is going downhill. She is losing weight despite fairly good intake and morale. She is living mainly in the front half of the apartment moving from one nest or guardpost to another, getting up to eat. She is not as meowy or friendly as usual and she is a bag of bones.

I will call the vet tomorrow. Georgia may have a thyroid condition that is treatable. It means medication three times a day, but at this point, if I can give Georgia a new lease on life, I'll do it. If I can't and Georgia is just fixing to die, than that is it. God's will be done and all the rest.

I hurt so badly I want to cry, but I don't know how to do it. Every time I wish I could throw myself on the floor and howl and rage (I am not ready to lose Georgia. We have been together sixteen and a half years.) I realize I don't know how to begin and then I start thinking, the worst is yet to come. I remember Evander and how sick he became. Sickness is unbelievably sad. Dying is hard. Seeing a good fur friend die is even harder. I need to save my tears for the worse days ahead, so I find myself unable to have that really good cry.

I'm past the point of healthy denial. I know that I can't be angry at God for this. Georgia will be eighteen in December, but I am angry any way. I look at her curled up in a corner of the dining room or in her guard post near the kitchen and realize I have not heard an affectionate meow all day long. She does not try to visit me back here in the computer room. She no longer shares the spot next to my pillow though I sometimes get an early morning visit. She also yowls me awake so I'll put out the food. We had a petting time last night on the kitchen counter. Georgia likes to be petted at my eye level.

I call the vet in the morning. Maybe he'll even suggest the blood test for hyperthyroid. It takes several weeks for the thyroid meds to kick in and they can aggrivate the stomach problems but what is to be done. Georgia's quality of life right now (tonight) is reasonably good despite what I wrote. What Georgia is doing would be normal for a lot of healthy cats. She is alert and engaged and not at all unresponsive. I think her quality of life would improve if her thyroid (if that is the problem) comes back under control.

Even if Georgia is hyperthyroid and she responds to treatment, every time I give her medicine or watch her intake or pet her thin body, I will remind myself of how fragile and old she has become and what comes next.

Georgia, I love you. It is that simple. I loved you the day I took you from the cage at the humane society in Utica and you relaxed on my shoulder like a sack of potatoes. We had just had a meow conversation. You had and still have a sweet melodic broop noise that reminded me of the sounds MaryAnn, the cat I grew up with, made. I thought I would never hear such noises again. I loved you that first day, though I treated you as something fragile whom I could hurt. It turned out you were a tough girl. I remember when you had the UTI at age five and I was sure I would lose you. I remember when you were exposed to Evander's leukemia. I remember you frightened at losing Stingie to an attack by two dogs. I remember you have both grey and white whiskers and a pink spot on your grey nose and paw pads that are still rough from a mostly indoor-outdoor life. I still like to hide in your soft sweet smelling fur. I like to hear your social and begging purr. I love the fact you do not fear humans, even the vet. I think of all the people you miss, the old man who raised you, Thom Guba back in Utica. You really liked his smell and Lou who is also up in Utica. Then there was the little boy who called your purr your engine. Georgia so many people love you. I love you.

I shed my first tears as I wrote the above. You can see why what is going on on the left side of this blog has been overtaken by events. Also, today was the end of an eleven day week. I'll write more about other stuff this weekend. Georgia is not going to be leaving me that quickly.

Wednesday, November 03, 2004

by Eileen Kramer

Election night and my avatars are having more fun than I am. Iowa, Nevada, and New Hampshire are all undecided. It is noisey on the third floor of Mid Fayerweather, Haldis' dorm, or cluster as she would call it. Dartmouth like Cornell has its own language. I suspect Berkeley has its own language too. Turd, the conversative dorm mate is bouncing around for joy shouting four more years, until Kaitlynn, Haldis' roommate last year tells her to shut up. Some people are trying to sleep but not Ashleigh, Haldis, or Turd. Turd doesn't have a real name yet. She is just an obnoxious little first year.

In the middle of all this bedlam, Haldis popped open her lap top and opened her own campaign headquarters and counted the votes from the New Southern Hemisphere as NPR is full of talking heads. As the heads talked, the scoring went smooth as excrement through a goose.

I broke the Neopets yoke on my back. I just hope it stays broken. I painted my bruce, Ephraim split tonight right before I went down to Democratic headquarters to party or mourn. This means no more big fiancial goal for a long time or at least until work slows down. THIS IS IMPORTANT. Here is why. Work is going to pick up. I use the fast connection at work to play games on Neopets. If I am trying to play a full repetoire of games at work and get my work done, something is going to give. I am going to be unhappy, get home too late to look after Georgia, not fulfill my mission of vengance against Brainstorms and all things Brainstormish. This is not a question of getting caught. It could end up there, but I'm a ways from that.

If I want to keep up with Neopets, I'm going to have to not get caught. I also want to play Neopets sustainably. What I was doing was not sustainable. It can be now. I have a very rare creature. There are not that many painted bruces, and I have yet to see a split one. Brown grarrls are also rare for some reason. I now have two very rare creatures. I would like to buy my two younger pets petpets (little pets). I would like to work on intelligence and training, but all those are short term goals.

Also with Georgia old and frail and in need of plenty of TLC, I need not to hang out forever at work. Time is now at a premium. My time as a major league outlier has ended.

Also also also what I want to do is learn YB George's language and develop some fluency in it. This takes work. This is work that is going into Neopets. YB George's list's glyphic language is an alternative to the intelligent and nasty conversational style of Brainstorms and similar communities. Learning it is a vengance victory.

By the way, I have a great vengance victory. I got YB George to clean malware off his computer. This feels good. I've helped those whom Brainstormers would not touch to keep their community alive. I've brought my expertise and used it for my new friends. This is a victory. Now I have to go the rest of the way.

As I write this the election is uncalled. Kerry is nipping at Bush' heels but that doesn't mean he will win. Most likely we are stuck with four more years. That bleeps big time. I went to the victory party at Democratic headquarters. No I did not put that in "quotes.&qot; Many local candidates won including a sherrif and district attorney. This is good because the current sherriff, the one who was defeated, covered up an incident where cops overreacted in shooting a black man. Both the new sherriff, marshall, and attorney general are black. That is a good thing here in Columbus, GA.

Harvey, my little brother, who worked as a legal advisor/poll watcher in Denver, Colorado where he lives, is in a state that went for Bush. It also looks like Salazar, his choice for attorney general won't make it either. Harvey may get some good political connections out of all this. I can't really picture Harvey as a politican though. He at least had more campaign experience than I did. He did not have to supervise high school kids who did not know to go in someone's house when canvassing. The high school students are still alive. Some of them may have been at campaign headquarters.

There were kids at campaign headquarters. By the time I left, some were sleeping on a blanket. Others were hunched with their butts in the air drawing on the floor. They had paper pads donated by a nice lady. They were girl kids. Give a girl kid pens and paper and they are happy girl kids.

Georgia was the first state to go into Bush' column. He took it in a walk. Denise Majette also lost. I suspect she will be back in politics some time. She was much more charismatic than either Presidential candidate.

I will feel sad going to bed and waking up and finding that Bush has won. Georgia did eat last night and this morning and tonight. Her appetite is voracious though she gets an upset stomach from her dinner. Georgia hangs out by the kitchen when she gets done. She guards her food. She eats holes in it and I push it together. Georgia also gets enrecal twice a day.

Last night Georgia scaird me by going to lie down in the bath tub. I feared she was dying and going off to hide but a few minutes later she was making a nest in the computer room. She also purrs when she asks for food. She wakes me up in the morning, but she doesn't sleep with me. Now that she is eating more she is les clingy but that is OK.

I probably won't be taking any vacations any time soon. I want to be around to feed Georgia twice a day. That is OK. I don't know how much time Georgia has left and spending more time with her is a very good idea.

I am still wound up and sick from eating junk food, sick from stress. The silence will feel very good.